I'm yet to meet the first non-Caucasian who likes to be asked the question "Where are you from?" and yet people persist in asking any person with non-white skin or different eyes where they are from.
Why does this get asked, what exactly are you hoping to learn, and why do I hate the question? Why is it not as innocent as asking someone "Are you an Austinite?"?
If someone has just met me 5 minutes ago, I feel they owe me the courtesy of not asking about my heritage unless I've indicated some interest in discussing it. A grocery store cashier once commented that my English was accented and I told him that in my opinion his was. He was a good sport and laughed at his Texan accent and we left it at that. Another time someone at a neighborhood gathering asked me where I was from. I said "two streets down". They went on and on (Austin, No I moved here from CA, No I moved there from MN, No I moved there from India). When they hear the requisite non-white response (India/China/Kenya/whatever) they stop their questions.
When someone asks me "Where are you from?", I wonder what they really mean to ask. The underlying question could be, and should be stated as one of the following:
- What is your racial heritage (why is your skin brown)?
- What is your cultural heritage (Do you celebrate a different festival, eat different food and talk a different language)?
- Where were you born? (Are you sure you are from here?)
- Which country are you a citizen of?
- Are you an immigrant (why do you have an accent)? (Can be merged with cultural heritage question.)
- Were your parents immigrants?
- How many generations of "American" can you claim (have you really melted into the melting pot or not)?
Sometimes I want to make up a whole fictitious life and be able to say "I am really from Austin but my parents were Indian-American hippies who moved back to India and gave me an Indian name. We lived in India and vacationed in Europe whenever we needed to dance naked on beaches, so I have an accent that doesn't belong anywhere. When I turned 18 I said I wanted to trade in my hippie for some hip, bleached my tie-dyes and moved to Austin."
Other times, I want to ask people what they are trying to get at and provide them the above list of underlying questions. The real reason I take exception to this question is the eternal irony of assimilation, identity and what being an American might truly mean.
Have you even wondered why some races do something a certain way? "I wonder why they talk differently?" or "Why don't they name their kids John and Mary instead of Vijayalakshmi?". I'll admit, I think these questions at times. I'm an assimilator. If you put me in any country, my accent will morph subconsciously within 10 days - it'll be different from the locals, but it will be a mix of the past and the present. I will "localize" my wardrobe to blend in better. I'll make an effort to research local celebrities, politicians, what have you. However, I still eat my international food, visit Indian stores, play Indian music in my car. I wear Indian clothes to Indian events but not to other places. I spend a lot of time trying to pick the best of all the worlds I have been exposed to, and retain my individuality while I try to belong and fit in. But it frustrates me when I feel like I have to bleach my skin to truly integrate. And so will generations of American born & raised people with Indian ancestory. They will always get asked "Where are you from?".
This is also a dichotomy in what the majority race and inhabitants want out of immigrants. There is a certain "You can call yourself French when you start speaking perfect French" attitude. The people who are already here want the newcomers to make an effort to assimilate and integrate. But every time you attempt to do that, you get asked "Where are you from?" and there is a constant effort to differentiate this funny looking immigrant from the normal looking locals. The ironic thing is that most (but not all) people who ask the question are truly interested in my origins, experiences and culture. They mean no harm. But, they don't realize they are putting me in a different box or making me feel like I don't belong. As an immigrant, I have my own dilemma. I want to be able to adapt and change and be accepted without having to give up everything that I was raised as. Can we recognize that belonging, integrating, diversity, adapting and not adapting can all happen at the same time? I don't need to live in an Indian enclave and wear sarees, nor do I need to look white and say y'all.
In my life, there is no real answer to Where Are You From. I was born in India, and by the time I finished high school I had been to 8 schools in 5 different cities in two different continents. I spent my entire adulthood in yet another country (here) where I expect to live and die. Within the US, I consider one state my home, and another state will become home unless I move back. (For further thoughts on my home confusion - Read this post.) I am a citizen of one country, my son will be a citizen of two. I speak 3 languages fluently, my son will speak 2 but we will only have 1 in common. Life isn't so simple that you can bin everybody in a little box and tell them that is where they are from. In fact, the next person who asks me this question might receive "My mom's uterus" as a response.
5 comments:
I do think it's important to remember that many people are looking for a way to relate to you. With people of color in the United States, the obvious way to do that is through asking the obvious questions.
They may look at you and guess India and want to show you how evolved they are because of the summer they spent in an experiment in international living where they spent a week in India and now that makes them an expert, an insider. Everyone wants to be an insider. Some of the people who ask you want to know if their guess is right so they can feel smart.
I get it sometimes, someone who desperately wants to show me that yes they can tell Latinos apart or they once had a real tamale cooked authentically. I've had people do that to me, or try to bond with me on that level by asking me how I make tamales or tacos and having to respond, "I make them the same way you do; I'm not Mexican you know."
It's important to remember, I think, that part of what forms American cultural identity is difference and we tend to celebrate differences here. I don't think people always ask questions to set us apart, but often ask to learn how to include you. If people want to get to know you, they ask personal questions and I can think of no more personal question than questions of identity.
I dread the question "Where are you from?" It gets asked a lot, even among those of us who are very caucasian with caucasian names. Many people come to the Bay Area from other parts of teh state or country, so we all ask each other this question. For me, the answer is long and complicated, and contains more details of my family history than I neccessarily want to share with every casual acquaintance.
I was born in Germany. No my parents aren't German, they're American. No, my parents weren't in the military. No, I don't speak German.
The whole story contains something like 10 different cities in 3 different counries.
When I don't feel like telling that whole story, I tell people I grew up in Sausalito. I spent a whopping 8 years of my childhood there, longer than I spent any place else. I feel no connection to Sausalito, and would never go back if family didn't still live there.
Recently, I've taken to telling people I'm from Oakland. I've only been here 4 years, but I feel rooted and connected and I plan to stay. I live a few miles from where my parents lived before I was born, and my grandfather lived and worked in this city for many years. So I think like I have honest roots here.
Don't get me wrong, I like my growing up story, but I don't like feeling obligated to tell it. And I don't like the assumptions that people make when they hear Germany or Sausalito or Oakland.
The question gets asked of Caucasians by Caucasians too. Try growing up in/around New York with a Texan accent (which apparently implies stupid as well as "not from here"). People can be rude&ignorant or genuinely curious&interested. It's hard to judge that one.
Very interesting blog, Meera ! It made me think about the many times I have been asked this question - last time it happened a lot during our visit to the US. ;-)
May it be the accent, the name, the skin color - beeing different in a certain way makes people curious and often even kind of uncertain. And this uncertainty leads to those kinds of questions like "Where are you from?".
Everybody wants to be in control of a situation and sometimes (unconciously!) when you feel like you are loosing this kind of control, you try to get it back by "sorting out the situation". "Let´s start with a quick check of all the people around me...." There you go !
I agree with you, it does not really help to know that you are from India or that I am from Germany - but it SEEMS to help. At least for those who need something like gardrails to grab hold of the situation. To be in control.
Right, it still means to pigeonhole somebody - but imo it is inevitable.
Most time I really feel very uncomfortable in the box provided for Germans ;-) I do my best to integrate during our vacation, but I am still German.
So: What may be the best answer to a Bavarian asking me where I am from ? I have no chance of melting into any bavarian living !!!
I usually answer with my hometown, which is in California. More persistent people ask where my parents are from. The answer is still California. Only the most tenacious/obnoxious people ask me yet again, one person going so far as to asking me where I am originally from. The same place she is originally from: a protoplasmic soup.
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