Yesterday I washed my car. I was only going to clean the rear windscreen (window?) but it quickly morphed into washing my whole car down to remove the rain sludge from it. I felt invincible. It was 7:30 in the morning on a Wednesday, the air outside was crisp and cool, I had flannel jammies and a fleece hoodie on. It was a moment made in heaven for washing my car.
Except, I can't bend today.
I was thinking about the frustrating ebb and flow of pain in my life when I read this tongue-in-cheek post on living despite pain and fear (I don't know the author, but I read her posts ocasionally). If you don't want to read her post, just look at the picture of the girl on the tight rope and come back here to continue.
It echoes how I feel about constantly being on the brink of pain. You may be standing on a frayed tightrope hovering over a hungry alligator. But, assuming there is no way out, all you should be thinking of is that you are holding a bright parasol and basking in the sun. Because, if you live your life trying to avoid back pain, then what is left? How long are you going to live without bending to pick up dog fur from the floor? Or tying your shoelaces? I tell myself "I'm hurting anyway. At least now my car is clean".
After this November's round of back pain, I've acknowledged I need to make long term life changes. Like not running. Exercising more often, less intensely. Concentrating on recovery when an acute phase comes by. But I can't prematurely turn myself into a vegetable. I can't settle for having an existence without a life. Washing a car is going to hurt for a few days, but not damage me. The thing damaging me is already there, hurting my back, compressing my nerves and making my legs weak. So as long as I can walk around with my toddler while he rides his bike, walk I will. And when I can't, I'll be the fastest badass you ever met in a wheelchair.
Grant me my parasol despite the alligator, and I'll grant you freedom from my whining. I'll use my full range of will power and painkillers before I complain about how I feel. In exchange, universe, just let me live.
(I do reserve the right to occasionally bitch about my back here)
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