The last few months have been stressful for me and I planned this trip solely for the purpose of emptying my head and returning recharged. Back in 2010, when I looked back on the year, I realized it had been the Year of Pain (back pain) and my aim for 2011 was to not let my back run the show. This hasn't been a Year of Pain, but I've been thinking of it as the Year of Quitting. I've quit a bunch of things I started, some willingly, some with good cause, some under pressure and some out of hopelessness. As I kept thinking about this, I realized that it was also the Year of Trying, because I tried everything I quit, and then tried some more. I forget to give myself credit for that.
Normally this post would come at the end of the year, but I am ready to move on.
Early this year, I took horse riding lessons for a few months, but quit when I realized I was learning more from Google than from my instructor. Then my ganglion cyst surgery incapacitated me for a few weeks. I continued with photography though I cyclically deal with disappointment in myself as a business owner.
I returned to running, crossing fingers that my back wouldn't disagree with my plans. It worked for a while. As the pain returned, I started planning a "farewell to running" run. I wanted to sign up for a 25K trail run in December but I let the lack of company hold me back. I regret giving up what I feel might have been my last hurrah with running shoes. Now I find myself planning my next epidural shot because I've been in pain for several days without relief. So, regret not withstanding, this run might not have been possible anyway.
Late in the year, I did a few track instruction sessions with my Mini because it was something I had thought about trying for more than a decade and I finally had a fun car to try it with. While I had fun, I drove back with the feeling I was doing something that wasn't really me.
At the end of summer, I signed up for coursework with UT as a test drive to see if I might be able to go back to school. I did well and felt proud about my ability to learn new things, but it didn't seem to fit well with what my family needed of me. I quit, with a sense of disquiet that I was filling my life up on the outside without gaining fulfillment on the inside.
Which brings me to 2012. Following the year of pain and year of trying/quitting, I believe it is time for the year of peace. Making peace with my back. Finding things to fill the holes left by running, and by not being in school. Maybe there will be another riding instructor who can teach me better than Google. Maybe yoga and swimming will replace running. Perhaps I will read more, cook more, fret less and figure out what it means to accept the cards I've been dealt rather than constantly fighting them. After all, self discovery can be done without tie die and smokes. Though, having them may not hurt the process :)
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